I grew up hearing the phrase, “You can’t change others, you can only change yourself.” While my mom used to say it and I felt it must therefore be a commonly agreed upon wisdom, I didn’t fully understand what I think now, is its meaning. Even as a child, there was a responsibility that I felt for other people, and my mindset caused me to layer the phrase with an additional meaning. My take on it was as follows: The way we get others to change, is by changing ourselves.
This perception went on for the majority of my life until one day as an adult, I had an unexpected epiphany. It happened some years ago during a staff meeting at work. I had had a longstanding friendship with one of my co-workers and was feeling that for whatever reason, things just weren’t “the same.” I wanted her to behave in the kind, friendly and easy-going way that I felt she had before, but it seemed she had grown to be a somewhat distant, and grumpy. This seeming change in our friendship felt disappointing to me and somewhat hurtful, because while I still thought she was awesome, it felt like she no longer thought that of me, even though I was trying to be as “awesome” as I could.
As I sat experiencing unhappy feelings in the staff meeting, a thought descended upon me: “You’ve tried everything you can, and you can’t make her change. So forget it! It’s not worth feeling unhappy over anymore.” That was the first thought. The second thought, which followed immediately, was the epiphany: What if this is what “changing ourselves, not others,” is really all about? I change to make myself feel better, and whether or not she changes, is really beside the point? Wait – could it be this easy? Wow… I thought. Just taking care of myself could be a lot less stressful than having to “manage” her.
This new perspective felt revolutionary, even freeing. We tend to remember moments in our lives that are clarifying or defining, and that’s why I’ve never forgotten this day. It would be the beginning for me of many discoveries to come in the years ahead about self-care, happiness, freedom, and co-dependency.
What is Self Care?
It is inevitable in our lives that others will sometimes play a role in situations that cause us stress, unhappiness, or make us just plain uncomfortable. Choosing to change ourselves or a circumstance (where we have control), in spite of what others do or do not do, can produce a result that’s easier for us to live with. This is at the heart of self-care. We give up trying to have the power to change someone else, and once we’ve freed ourselves from that responsibility, our energy can be focused in other places.
An irony to this is that sometimes the changes we make to ourselves or our circumstances will prompt a change in others, sometimes a positive change! That possibility is what creates the temptation to think of their change as our end goal. It’s ok to allow for that possibility, but when we begin to hope for it or expect it, that is when we will hopefully take our focus off of them, and put it back on ourselves. Our goal has to be about us, and what we’re doing for ourselves. You may think, well that sounds kind of selfish! But this type of thinking is not about self-gratification; it is about self-care. And it is one of the most loving things we can do for others.
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