The fact is inevitable: bumps and bruises will come to us in this life and as we encounter them, we’ll develop coping strategies. Over time, strategies may become patterns and in the long run, patterns may emerge that hurt us more than they help us. But making this discovery; having an awareness of what a pattern is doing, can be an elusive thing when we are right in the middle of it.
I was given the opportunity to take a fresh look at my life-patterns when, at the age of 53, I encountered a difficult situation and sought professional help. My counselor was kind and listened attentively. At the end of the first session, he said he would continue to meet with me one-on-one but additionally, would be referring me to a codependent therapy group. I was like, wait.. What? I’m not co-dependent. In my understanding, “codependency” happened when one person was enabling another person to abuse alcohol, drugs or gambling. That definitely wasn’t me, and so I wondered, how is codependency a factor here? But in spite of my skepticism, I went along with his little idea and attended my first meeting. Well, it proved to be informative, and my eyes were opened to a world I hadn’t previously given much thought to – the world of codependency.
Among the things I learned were that there were different types of codependents, one of which was “the caretaker;” those who feel an inordinate amount of responsibility for others. The concepts I learned in the group got me really thinking about my life. I continued to participate and kept thinking about a book I had heard about through the years, called Codependent No More, by Melody Beatty. I purchased the audio version and began listening to it while driving to and from work. (For busy people, I highly recommend the audio book option!) Halfway thru the first chapter, I could tell this book was going to hold great value for me. Reading (or should I say, listening to) Codependent No More was a turning point in my life. It helped me develop a new lens through which to view my life and my relationships. Because I believe I am not alone and that that there are readers out there who are struggling with similar issues, I would like to share some of the things I have learned.
In its origins, the term codependent was tied mainly to situations where substance abuse was a factor. Over time, it has expanded to cover a wider range of maladies that play out in different ways in people’s lives. Here are a few examples:
- You feel responsible for a situation involving others and as a result, the situation has taken up so much of your time and mental energy that your own well-being, peace and happiness are taking a serious hit.
- You carry emotional burdens tied to things over which you have little to no control.
- You continue giving help, with no end in sight, to someone who could, but isn’t, helping themselves.
- You spend a lot of time trying to get someone else to change – for their own good, and for yours.
- You need, struggle or worry about the validation of another person or people.
Do any of these descriptions strike a familiar chord? Are you saying to yourself, yes, I know I am carrying this problem and I would just love to dump it off or get rid of it but before I can do that, I’ve got to find a solution and I have no idea what that solution would be?
When we feel like we’ve lost control of circumstances that are impacting us, there are two things over which we do still have control: our own selves, and our self-care. And here, dear friend, is where the path back to sanity lies.
But where do we even start?
Self-care begins when we set boundaries to protect our hearts, our head, our well-being. Boundaries may be in the form of things emotional (how much we will allow ourselves to suffer), things financial (how much we make ourselves financially responsible), or matters of our time and energy.
But if we already feel so stuck or so invested that we don’t know where to even begin, how do we find those boundaries? Beatty explains it in what she says is an underlying principle; something that must be practiced frequently as we strive to live happy lives: Detachment
In spite of how the word sounds, detachment is not an uncaring, hostile withdrawal. Detachment simply means that we are done with the suffering, done with the work that still has not “fixed” the problem that we see. Detachment is the act of letting go. We acknowledge that we are not in control of others, and we allow them to be who they are. We allow them to develop and evolve on their own, just as we have done. Detachment, ideally, is done in the spirit of love. But, as Beatty explains, if it cannot be done “in love,” it is better to be done in anger than not at all. We can then use our newfound space to work on ourselves and eventually, our anger may soften into love.
In spite of how we learn, grow and get better, life will happen and we still may occasionally lose our way. Another inspirational book to the rescue! This one, also written by Melody Beatty, is entitled, The Language of Letting Go and is a book of meditations on walking in the way of happiness, free from the torment of codependency. When, at times, I get sucked into a place that only brings me down, I am reminded in this book’s pages that taking care of myself is always the way back – the shortest path to sane thinking and peace of mind.
It is inevitable that we will have pain. It is inevitable that at times we will be stressed. But when life feels more painful or more stressful than it needs to be, we can ask ourselves this: Am I be behaving like a codependent? Am I taking care of the world but neglecting myself? Learning, and taking, the proper steps to deal with that behavior, can help to set us free.
cindylcaruso.com 