But even as I said that, I didn’t believe it. Neither did Ruth. “I don’t think so, I think her behavior suggests she is quite damaged – lacking in empathy and integrity and just plain kindness – all the qualifites you brim with.”
I shook my head. “That’s not true.”
“It is true, Theo.” Ruth hesitated. “Don’t you think perhaps you’ve been here before?”
“With Kathy?”
Ruth shook her head. “I don’t mean that. I mean with your parents. When you were younger.
There’s a childhood dynamic here you might be replaying.”
“No.” I suddenly felt irritated. “What’s happening with Kathy has nothing to do with my
childhood.”
“Oh really?” Ruth sounded disbelieving. “Trying to please someone unpredictable, someone emotionally unavailable, uncaring, unkind – trying to keep them happy, win their love – is this not an old story, Theo? A familiar story?” I clenched my fists and didn’t speak. Ruth went on hesitantly, “I know how sad you feel. But I want you to consider the possibility that you’ve felt this sadness long before you met Kathy. It’s a sadness you’ve been carrying around for many years. You know, Theo, one of the hardest things to admit is that we weren’t loved when we needed it most. It’s a terrible feeling, the pain of not being loved.”
She was right. I had been groping for the right words to express that murky feeling of
betrayal inside, the horrible hollow ache, and to hear Ruth say it – “the pain of not being
loved” – I saw how it pervaded my entire consciousness. And was at once the story of
my past, present, and future. This wasn’t just about Kathy: it was about my father, and
my childhood feelings of abandonment; my grief for everything I never had and, in my
heart, still believed I never would have. Ruth was saying that was why I chose Kathy. What
better way for me to prove that my father was correct – that I’m worthless and unlovable – than by pursuing someone who will never love me?
I buried my head in my hands. “So all this was inevitable? That’ what you’re saying – I set
myself up for this? It’s hopeless?”
“It’s not hopeless. You’re not a boy at the mercy of your father anymore. You’re a grown man
now – and you have a choice. Use this as another confirmation of how unworthy you are – or break with the past. Free yourself from endlessly repeating it.”
“How do I do that? You think I should leave her?”
“I think it’s a very difficult situation.”
“But you think I should leave, don’t you?”
“You’ve come too far and worked too hard to return to a life of dishonesty and denial and
emotional abuse. You deserve someone who treats you better, much better—“
“Just say it, Ruth. Say it. You think I should leave.”
Ruth looked me in the eyes. She held my gaze. “I think you must leave. And I’m not saying
this as your old therapist – but as your old friend. I don’t think you could go back, even if you wanted to. It might last a little while perhaps, but in a few months something else will happen and you’ll end up back here on this couch. Be honest with yourself, Theo – about Kathy and this situation – and everything built on lies and untruths will fall away from you. Remember, love that doesn’t include honesty doesn’t deserve to be called love.”
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