When our children are young, they depend on us for almost everything.  Once they’ve grown and begun raising families of their own, they still need us, but in ways quite different from before.  As both a parent of adult children and a grandparent, I sometimes think of the role that I play in my family now, in terms of how it might sound as a job posting.  I imagine, and ask myself, what would the job title and description be?  Perhaps it might go something like this:

“Wanted: “Family Helper-Crisis Interventionist” Must be prepared to “jump in” when needed and provide an extra set of hands to help ease, or resolve, a variety of situations.  Duties will include occasional, loving care for the grandkids.  Must have own car and valid driver’s license as unexpected, emergency errands will come up from time to time.  The person in this critical role will sometimes be called upon to lend an understanding ear, provide a reassuring hug or be prepared to offer words of wisdom when needed, or asked.  Ability to help solve complex problems is a plus; mature candidates only please apply.”

Oh yes, what a role we fill!  And whether we are actively participating in the goings on of our family or just observing from the sidelines, it is certain that at times the waters will get rough.  The list of possibilities is endless: late-night phone calls that tug at our hearts, problems which seem to have no solution, incoming texts which at once may surprise us, make us gulp, and change the direction of our day.

But of course, the positive side of our role exists as well.  I’m willing to bet that more often than not, the help that we are giving is exactly what we need to feed our own souls, stirring memories of how we used to feel when we could bandage booboos, dry away tears or make our child’s face light up with just a simple surprise.

Recently I had what felt like a profound realization about the role I find myself in now. 

To understand the context, I must step back and share something that happened several years ago when I was taking a college class on the topic of adulthood and aging.  I had figured at the time I signed up for the class, that I would probably relate its content mostly to my mom, who was solidly in her 90’s.  Meanwhile, I was in my early 50’s; I had recently become an empty-nester and had also just remarried.  While a new and happy chapter was being created by many positive things going on in my life, I still could not let go of a nagging feeling that something, although I didn’t know quite what, was missing.  As the class progressed, we studied mid-life and the “mid-life passage,” as described by Gail Sheehy in her fantastic book, Passages.  The mid-life passage is a period in our lives when we may feel that our life is being upended, but according to Sheehy, it engages us in a process which ultimately helps us find our own truth, along with a renewed sense of purpose and vigor. 

While my feelings remained for a time a mystery to me, it was, strangely enough while in the drive-thru line during a late-night taco run, that the light dawned for me.  Thinking not just about tacos but about deep things, I suddenly made the connection between the feelings I’d been having and the fact that I was going thru my own mid-life passage.  Wow!  This aha moment was quickly followed by an additional nugget of truth – what was missing from my life was the role I no longer had, the indispensable “mom” that existed when my kids still lived at home.   I sentimentally recalled then and there how it had been a time that was crazy, terrifying and wonderful all at once.  You see, I felt a sense of great purpose.  And while mentally I knew that my life still had great purpose, I had to recognize that on an emotional level, an element of that purpose was no longer there.

The memory from that night recently resurfaced, but this time rather than bearing tinges of sadness, it came on the wings of a happy realization. I had just come off of a very busy few weeks with my family, during which I had worn the hat of family helper-crisis interventionist, several times. During this flurry of activity I was able to see that concrete, positive outcomes had resulted from my time, energy and own special brand of wizardry.  You could even say that I had been “indispensable,” and knowing this brought a great sense of fulfillment to me.  It was then that the memory of that night came back.  I saw that young mid-lifer in her car in the dark, thinking about the things that had been lost from her life.  But a new realization seemed to bring me full circle:  I am still indispensable, just in a different way than before. Mid-life is a time when old things may leave us, new things may come along, things in our life once seen as staples may have altered to the point that we barely recognize them.  At times we will have a pity-party, and we will grieve, and that’s ok because it’s all part of the process.  But hopefully we’ll eventually get on to the business of adapting.  It’s true we never want to let go of things we cherish, but sometimes maybe we won’t have to, at least not entirely.  Perhaps the answer will sometimes lie not in letting go, but in learning to “hold on loosely.”  If we can think outside the box and see old things in a new way, perhaps we will find that the things we cherish have been there all along. 

By the time I was in my late 30’s, life had taken me down a path which led to single parenthood, four kids to raise and no college education.  Good fortune smiled upon me one day, however, when I landed a clerical job at a local university.  The salary was modest, but it was secure, and now I knew that I would be able to consistently provide the roof over our heads and the food on our table.  As a university employee, I would also be able to enroll in college courses at the unheard of price of $13 a semester!  So, after providing my high school transcripts dug from the ancient archives, I was admitted to the university and began the long and winding road toward a bachelor’s degree. 

My time and energy, of course, were already spread quite thin, so the most I could manage to carry in one semester was one class, sometimes two.  That meant that getting a “4-year degree” was going to be a long haul, but my family was my priority, so that was ok.

The years passed by; I continued working, and I continued going to school.  By the time my youngest was approaching her high school graduation, I’d been making steady progress in my education and arguably, significant strides in my life.  But years of negotiating the load I carried and the financial struggles that came with it, had had an effect on how I saw myself, and my future.  There was an inner voice that said, “Let’s face it, you’re never going to earn a ton of money and once you retire, your future will consist of making do with what you get from your modest pension.”  This outcome was something I believed was my lot in life as a result of the path I had chosen early on.  As if to present a contrast to my circumstances, I had a good friend at the time whose life had taken a different path.  This person had a higher paying job than mine and financial options available that I thought would always be out of my reach.  To sum it all up, I believed that I had missed the “success” boat early on, and it was never coming back.

But one night quite out of the blue, while sitting in a poly sci class, my perspective took a drastic shift. 

There I sat, swept up in a lecture I found fascinating, while thinking about how much I loved learning and particularly loved the social sciences.  My mind wandered on until it reached an idea that I never before had considered.  This time, a different voice came through to me, saying, “Once your bachelor’s degree is earned, you don’t have to stop there.  You could go on to earn a master’s degree, if you wish!”  When I pictured myself as someone possessing a master’s degree and the options it would bring, it was like knocking down a barrier that up to that point, had existed in my mind.  Visions of a new future, one with real financial security and a wide array of vocational opportunities, suddenly seemed within my reach.  This became a defining moment for me, because I began to see my life and my future in a new way.

This story is an example of having limiting beliefs, which are “thoughts, opinions that one believes to be the absolute truth. They tend to have a negative impact on one’s life by stopping them from moving forward and growing on a personal and professional level.” (Amanda Alvernaz, These Limiting Beliefs Are Preventing You from Being Successful, June 18, 2020, blog.trello.com).

Have you ever tried taking an honest look at whether you have limiting beliefs?  I think that by the time we reach mid-life, many of us live inside a mold that we’ve created for ourselves, a mold that springs from past experiences which we believe to be the predictor of our futures.  In my situation, the mold was about career, education level and financial security, but self-made molds of many other kinds, exist.

They may have to do with what we’ve come to expect from intimate relationships, or what we’ve come to expect from family life.  They may tell us we are not worthy.  They may have to do with our belief in our ability to overcome addictions or other unhealthy patterns.  They may tell us that we have no choice but to tolerate an abusive situation.

The experiences from our past that shape these expectations may have entered our lives through no fault of our own.  Perhaps they were situations caused by the behavior of people over whom we had no control.  In some cases, they may have been the result of our own choices.  But whatever the circumstance, the good news is that the past does not have to be the predictor of our future.  We must remember that!

It’s no wonder that while writing this article, a song from the early 2000’s, “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield, kept playing through my head.  I find it very inspiring; here are a few lines from it:

“Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find..

..Drench yourself in words unspoken live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten”

In thinking more about it, I realize that perhaps the future isn’t always unwritten; it may exist in our heads, where we’ve told ourselves a story.  So here’s to throwing out old stories and charting a course that is different from what we’ve been thinking.  We can start writing a new future today; one that includes our true potential. 

There they are.. the events that sit in your past.  Written in stone, unchangeable, because you can’t go back.  Between then and now the years have rolled in, evermore shaping your perspective as experiences are pushed further into the rearview mirror.  You’ve revisited the scenes in your mind many times and thought that if given the chance, you’d go back and do some things differently.

You are wise and gentle with yourself, so of course you recognize you did the best that you could with the resources available and with things you knew at the time.  But still, you are occasionally pricked with a thought: “If only I had a time machine.”

Then sometimes quite by surprise in the here and now, you’ll find yourself looking around at your circumstances and realizing they are a repeat of what happened before.  The setting may be a bit different and the players may have changed, but don’t be mistaken: this is Life giving you a gift, fate sprinkling a little magic dust on you.  Because while what’s happening is not a portal that can transport you back to relive old experiences, it’s the next best thing.  This is your opportunity to consider different choices, given the wisdom you have now; your chance to show that in the school of Life, you’ve been paying attention to the lessons. 

Do-overs can be quite sneaky.  Sometimes they tip-toe up from behind and tap you on the shoulder, catching you unawares.  You see, before you’ve recognized them for what they are, your auto-pilot may have already kicked in, taking you down an old road with comfortable, but perhaps not desired, behaviors.  If you’re smart enough to catch yourself, you’ll see these moments as your golden opportunity to make choices that are better than the ones you made before, thus showing off the new and improved version of you. 

Do-overs come in sizes from small to large.  In one such opportunity you may have the chance to give someone your most precious commodity: the gift of your time.  For example, you may choose to let sitting and visiting be good enough, rather than giving in to the need to jump up and be busy again.  When my daughter was young, one activity she treasured was watching a few select, favorite Disney shows on TV.  I’ve often looked back and wondered, did I ever sit next to her and watch one of them in its entirety, or did I usually head for the kitchen to make sure that the dishes, or an equally inconsequential task, was done? My daughter is grown now, married and in her own home, but a do-over came to me recently in the form of a warm, crackling backyard fire on a cold, winter night.  Seated next to me was my 12-year-old grandson who was content to sit and enjoy the fire for hours.  After awhile I felt the temptation to go in the house and get “busy,” but I was grateful and a little awe-struck when I recognized in that moment, that this was a do-over.  I said to myself, “I’m staying right here.”  

Do-overs may give you the chance, once again, to hear someone share their heartfelt feelings with you.  This time, rather than giving advice or saying “I told you so,” you’ll offer them a quiet nod and listen with eyes that say nothing but, “I understand.”

Perhaps you will show kindness and patience to someone who has always been a convenient target for your shortness or annoyance, realizing how unfair and truly small of you it is to take and advantage of their easygoing nature, and for granted their presence in your life.  Perhaps you will vow to never do that again. 

Do-overs may come in the form of something big, like finding the courage to align your behaviors with your priorities..  Being brave enough to stand up to an old bully..  Giving help when it is needed, rather than walking away..  Protecting a child..  Being there for someone that you once abandoned..  Deciding which people in your life truly mean the most, and choosing to give your best to them, rather than to those who mean the least.  Using the chance to say, “You mean so much to me, I love you,” before it is too late.

It’s true; we cannot change the past.  And come to think of it, would we really want to go back?  No, probably not.  There is so much beauty, opportunity and promise in the here and now.  Today there are precious people in our lives who were not with us, then.  Today we can focus on living well in the present and laying a hopeful path for our futures.  Today we can show who we’ve become, and feel satisfied when Life tells us this:  “Very good, here’s a gold star for you.  Now go to the head of the class.”