The Gift We Receive from our Ancestors

A few years ago now, my young granddaughter, Lauren, was visiting me with her family from Washington, We had decided that as her birthday present, we would go out for a special day of shopping and errands. As we were driving and chatting, the subject of my dad, her Great-Grandpa Bob whom she was never able to meet, came up. I found myself telling her about him and began to describe what I saw as the major events of his life. She listened attentively.  I told her how the father he adored, died when he was 13 years of age, and that he was sent to California to live with relatives, one of whom was an invalid aunt. I explained how he signed up for the Navy when World War II started, went out to sea, then received a letter from his wife with whom he shared a young son, telling him she was divorcing him. As I was explaining to her that this was before there was text messaging, email, or any way that he could quickly get in contact with to try and alleviate the stressful situation which was unfolding, the impact of it all really hit me. I began to cry in the CVS parking lot.  (It’s a little funny when I think about it now.) Lauren just looked over at me. “Grandma, are you all right?”  

I explained to her that I the sum total of all these things made me realize that my dad’s life had not been easy.  I always thought of him as this strong rock of Gibraltar with a smile, twinkling blue eyes and a positive attitude. When I was a child being raised by him, I just had no idea what he had already faced down in his life.  But in spite of everything, he just kept plugging along, and he never gave up. To me, this is the greatest gift from our ancestors: the lesson that they too had trials in their lives, and lived through them. As we look further back thru time and find more ancestors and discover their stories, we find more of the same – laughter, joy and tears.  It is our turn now, and we are not alone. They watch over us; their blood runs through our veins, and their strength is our strength. And I can’t help but believe that they are somewhere, watching us and cheering us on and saying, “I know how you feel, I have been there too. But you are made of good stock, and you will make it through just like I did.”

Someday all my grandchildren will be grandparents themselves. Perhaps one day Lauren will be with her grandchild and may recall our day spent together. She’ll remember what I said about my dad, the emotions I felt, and she’ll pass the story of that day on to her grandchild. The lessons will live on.

Blindsided

In my last post, I shared my story of my midlife career change, which had its trials in the beginning but worked out well for me over time. The new path I was on eventually crossed that of another woman who was experiencing her own midlife career change. Mine had been voluntary; hers was thrust on her by surprise, bringing with it shock and emotional trauma. I first encountered Becky (not her real name) in the resource center where I work as an employment counselor. We chatted, and she shared with me that she had recently been laid off and was exploring her next options. She was an attractive woman with an engaging smile and an immaculate professional appearance. In my opinion, she looked like a million bucks. I learned that she was 64 years old and was now looking for a new job, possibly a new career direction.

Eventually we met one-on-one and I learned her story. Becky was in marketing; for 13 years she had worked for an advertising agency in a major city, leading a team of 4-6 others which, under her leadership, had achieved many successes. About a year prior to the layoff, the company underwent a major reorganization and transitioned in a new manager who was also a woman, yet significantly younger, to whom Becky would now report.

Becky retained her expansive workload, but her work week was cut from 5 to 4 days, and unrealistic targets were created. Additionally, the new manager arranged one-on-one meetings with individuals on Becky’s team, during which negative misinformation was fostered. Becky continued to do what she had always done – work hard and remain committed to delivering outstanding client service, but from her perspective, her efforts to lead the team were being undermined and she was being set up for failure.

The day eventually came that Becky was called to the new manager’s office and given the news that she was being let go – news that not only hit her like a ton of bricks, but contradicted everything she had believed about her job performance over 13 years. Two weeks after her dismissal a new woman, someone much younger and a former colleague of the new manager, was hired to take Becky’s place.

As Becky shared this deeply impactful experience with me, tears came to her eyes. Upon seeing and feeling her emotions, I observed that what she was experiencing seemed to me very similar to what we sometimes go through when an intimate relationship ends: Shock. Heartache. Feelings of rejection and unworthiness. This experience caused Becky to question her own abilities and everything she had believed about her contributions to the organization. Perhaps she began to question herself in other areas of her life, as well.

I know what you’re thinking as you read this, the same things I was when I heard her story. Deep inside you’re crying, “This is age discrimination! This is outright wrong!” (momentary freak-out: when did we get old enough to be victims of age discrimination?)

Regaining her sense of self-worth was only the beginning of the issues and questions that Becky needed to deal with, and right away. Being single and therefore having no financial support to fall back on, how would she manage financially? Would she qualify for unemployment benefits? Should she try to find another job or, at age 64, throw in the towel and call it a day?

Job loss in mid-life can be both a curse and a blessing. Our ego is grieving, our financial security is threatened, and we feel a sense of powerlessness. But perhaps in this mix there is a little blessing – an opportunity that exists once the initial shock has worn off.. an opportunity for us to stop, be still, and ask ourselves, “Can I now do something more fulfilling? Can I fill a vocational need that to this point in my life, has gone unmet?”

Perhaps this “horrible thing” can lead us to something we would not have pursued, had we not been forced into it. In my next post I’ll discuss walking the path of vocational discovery, in mid-life.

Our Beautiful Mid-life Tapestry

“Do you think we still live in a youth-worshipping culture?” was the question I asked of my husband the other night. His reply was, “Definitely.” I have to admit I was a little disappointed when his response didn’t line up with my own recent observations and conclusions. Then again, perhaps my eyesight is failing? Or maybe my thoughts are more of a reflection of how, and with whom, I spend my time? At any rate, there’s no denying that older people make up a solid portion of the U.S. It will be interesting with the completion of the 2020 U.S. Census to get updated stats, but in 2018 one study (Statista.com) put the number of people ages 45 through 64, at 83.9 million. This age group, landing squarely in mid-life, comprised just over a quarter of the U.S. population!

I find it captivating how our view of “old,” changes as we age ourselves. It’s all in our perspective, our view from where we stand on the timeline of life. Here’s an example: when I was a little girl, my teenage sister’s friends seemed like full-fledged adults to me. Nowadays at lunchtime when I drive by a local high school and see flocks of students walking to the nearest food-shack, they appear to be almost as children, to me. Since entering mid-life, I see this phase (mid-life) in a completely different way, as well. And more recently, thanks to a vocation which has brought me multiple opportunities to work with the mid-life population, I have a growing depth of appreciation for this group. They come pouring in through our doors, looking for new career opportunities, indeed, new life opportunities. Sometimes they are seeking to catch up to a culture they feel passed them by on the highway of life. I’ve come to love the faces of these mid-lifers; each one representing a story, unique and beautiful in its own right. And I more fully appreciate one thing… that the lines on mid-life faces and the graying hairs which grace their heads, are simply an outer covering behind which lie treasures known as “life experiences.” The experiences, and roads travelled, are as infinitely wide and varied as the
people themselves. And it never fails – just when I think I’ve found the one person who has led a relatively bump-free life, there will be more conversations, then the outer layers come off, revealing their deeper, unique story. The challenges in the story are always, always there.

When we are young, the “fabric” of our life experiences may appear as an unremarkable, one-color piece of cloth. As we grow our own unique life-story and the accompanying experiences, we are gaining, as I see it, our own special and interesting tapestry which has now become the fabric of our life.

Consider the words of one of my favorite poems, Along the Road, by Robert Browning Hamilton:

“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chattered all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,
When Sorrow walked with me.”

Oh, yes. Sorrow, physical afflictions, love gone wrong, betrayals we thought would never happen. Broken hearts, disappointments, unexpected loss, impossible people. These things may show up in our lives as what we call “baggage,” but make no mistake – having come through them contributes to our own unique and beautiful tapestry, which is one of rich colors and textures. And just as surely as you’ll see the trials in your tapestry, you will find threads of wisdom, resilience and empathy woven in there, too.

So remember, the next time you look in the mirror and aren’t exactly thrilled with that changing face looking back – smile a crinkly smile at yourself, then look a little deeper. Behind those lines on that reflection in the mirror, if you choose to see it, is your own beautiful tapestry.

We Really Do Need Love

It’s the month of Valentines, and love is in the air. We tend to associate this special occasion with
romantic love and our thoughts turn to, if we are lucky enough to have one, our special partner or spouse.Yet there are often other people in our lives from whom we desperately need, perhaps even crave, love and connection. These people aren’t necessarily our intimate partners; they could be an adult child, a sibling, a parent or a close, cherished friend.

When it comes right down to it, I believe that we all really do need love. We may try to run from it or hide or pretend an unmet need doesn’t affect us, but sometimes within the sweep of one moment, we are shown just how profoundly this need exists.

A close friend related her story, from a recent morning, to me. She woke up to the heaviness that had
been slowly creeping into her consciousness for the past couple of weeks. It had started with a feeling she couldn’t shake, a feeling that someone very important to her was deliberately distancing her. Of course, the thought of that felt hurtful but she carried on with the demands of her daily life, pushing the thought aside because she knew, empowered and enlightened person that she considered herself to be, that she should not let something she had no control over, bring her down. On this particular morning she tended to breakfast, morning tasks, getting ready for the day… but she had little energy for all that lay ahead for her day. Then unexpectedly and in the flash of a moment, something happened that showed her she had probably been wrong in her assumption about the other person.

This is not a significant story within itself. Things like this happen all the time, right? But what happened next, as she explained it to me, is what I feel is significant and a powerful lesson about the human heart. A sense of relief and well-being, that she could not deny, swept through her and transformed her heart to one of lightness. She was now suddenly filled with energy to deal with things like laundry, and those fitted sheets which had been washed, dried and had lain there for days. And we all know how difficult those darn fitted sheets can be to deal with, even on a good day, right? But now they seemed an effortless task, and her day that lay ahead, looked happy.

By the time we come to mid-life we’ve been, well, kicked around the block a few thousand times. We
possess a vast bank of experiences and as a result, a fair amount of wisdom. We seek to operate on a
higher level – you know, that kind of level we would learn from Buddha, or books like “This is Not the Story You Think It Is . . . A Season of Unlikely Happiness,” by Laura Munson. Which, by the way, is a great book that I do highly recommend. But when it comes right down to it, nothing can replace that feeling we feel in our heart when we know without doubt, that we are loved by the people who are most important to us.

Sometimes we are on the receiving end of this love and sometimes, we are the giver. When we are on
the giving end, I think it is fair for us to ask ourselves these questions: are we giving others the love they are hoping to get? Is there an insecurity or disappointment that lurks behind their eyes, one that we cannot, or choose not, to see?

If that is the case, we may hold an antidote that would be so simple for us, yet mean so much to them.

In my own life, I won’t give up on seeking that place of nirvana where things outside of my control cannot bring me down. In mid-life, and certainly in any phase of life, it’s a worthy endeavor! But I will submit for your consideration, the following quote, attributed to both Taylor Hanson and Dr. Seuss:

“To the world you may be just one person, but to one person, you may be the world.”

On this note, I wish a happy Valentine’s Day to all.

Must I Change With the Times?

While thinking about this week’s column, I had occasion to mail a snapshot photo, taken of me at Mt. Lassen, to a friend. It was an actual physical picture, to be put into an actual physical envelope and delivered via the U.S. postal service. I began to write a short note of hello to include with the photo, but found I was soon giving family updates and reminiscing about how our mutual sets of children had grown up. It wasn’t long before this short note had turned into a full-on, old school letter. Remember those? The ones we used to send and receive so many moons ago? It felt good to participate in that old and cherished practice of writing a letter; a sweet reminder of a time gone by. And it reaffirmed for me that there are some practices I will continue to hang on to because I believe they have value, even if there are others who feel they are outdated, quaint or just too time consuming.

With each passing year I am a year older. With each passing year my memories of the way things “used to be” become further out in the rearview mirror. With each passing year the world keeps rolling forward – without stopping – and I am given more and more choices about what I will hang on to, what I will modify, what I will add and what I will delete.

Some practices I’ve adopted have made necessary tasks easier and faster – like online bill paying. Boy do I love that! And some have added quality to my life, like the texts and pictures I’m able to share with loved ones, courtesy of my smart phone. Some things I know I will never adopt – such as scrolling through said smart phone while a living, breathing human being is trying to engage me in conversation. And some things I will hang on to forever, like singing along with the Moody Blues’ Tuesday Afternoon, cranked up loud on my car radio.

I hang on to old ways, I let go of old ways. It’s a mixed bag, and that’s my privilege at this stage of life. But without question, there is one area where I have pretty consistently embraced new ways – and that is in the workplace.

Many years ago now, I witnessed the advent of the digital age and its resulting impact in my place of employment. As a working woman, I saw firsthand how workplace adaptations through the 90’s and 2000’s transformed my office’s productivity. It was a fascinating journey and, being along for the ride, I was able to concurrently grow my own knowledge and skills.

When we talk about growth of knowledge or skills, we tend to think in terms of technology. But staying current does not necessarily mean it’s always about digital technology – for example, the tradesman who has learned to work with new equipment or implement new methods. Whether improved skills are around digital technology or not, staying current will make you more competitive as a job seeker. And if you’re already working, it will help you be a stronger performer. Sound good so far? Let me throw one more thing your way. Improved knowledge and skills can put you in a position, if you’re willing, to contribute ideas that can help solve your company’s problems in unique, new ways. And that, my friend, will make you very desirable in the eyes of your employer.

A Baby-Boomer recently shared this story with me: Her workplace was discussing the tracking of client attendance at required workshops. The process they were using, done completely by paper, had become inefficient and burdensome. As the discussion dragged on about who/what/why/where/how the attendance lists should be managed and shared and tabulated, she thought outside the box and beyond the paper, and suggested they implement an online check-in service. Not only would this track attendance, it could calculate totals and produce reports. Do you think her higher-ups valued this idea? Of course they did! And it never would have happened if she hadn’t been forward thinking.

Forward thinkers can visualize beyond not just the manual ways (we grew up with) of getting things done, but beyond even digital processes that are now seen as basic (such as email), and into higher and more creative uses of technology. But before they can think about those kinds of things, they must first be aware they exist. This requires eyes open, observing and learning about the ever-changing world around us.

If we haven’t learned anything else, we have learned one thing: the times, they are a-changin.’ Must we change with them? Truth be told, we don’t have to do anything. It’s all our own choice, and our own journey. And an interesting journey it is.